When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

When a Man Speaks Up Ė a stoneís throw and cowardice

Zachary M.C. Harris
Thursday, June 11, 2015

As you can tell, I really have been much too busy to write lately, and it’s been a combination of ennui and exasperation as well.  I’m definitely not the only one with some knowledge to share, as well as being tired of it falling on deaf ears.  A couple of weeks ago I had friends over for one of my “ceviche” Saturdays, and while I was on my way out – I was really in a good zone—I heard that the conversation turned to several male friends dropping some serious knowledge on the ladies.

Note: this is not a rant on all women, just the ones that acted a fool.

The last note I wrote had some interesting comments. 

One person actually wrote a reply three times, meaning edited it by revising it and adding more each time, and it led to the first time that I wound up banning someone.  Truthfully, this was a person who I actually talked with in regards to their relationship ending and at the end of talking with them, I was exasperated.  It was one of those situations were after it ended, they then came up with this psychoanalysis that their ex had some major mental issues that were clinical.  Funny that they never noticed this while they were dating the guy and it wasn’t an issue for them not to consider bearing this man’s child and also marrying him.

But like it is said, “if you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the only one that yelps is the one that got hit.”

The second came from someone in my past, who automatically replied that with my requirements, they are not what I am looking for.  Now, I know that they can’t cook to save their life [or at least they couldn’t when last we knew each other on that level] and they aren’t mentally on the same level as me, but to come right out and say that showed both cowardice and lack of motivation.  There is the old saying that if you shoot for the moon and miss, you will be amongst the stars.  There are much too many lazy people out there.

The first person went on to try to write what she thought would be “grown man’s advice” which is funny because not being a grown man, she would not in any way no how a grown man thinks.  Some women always crack me up with what they think men should do and how we do.  She went on to try to compare the concept of what I presented would be a great catch in a woman with someone applying for a job.  Mind you, I gave an example of a situation in which a married man with a business was going through a rough time and asked his wife if she could chip in with the bills, to which she basically turned him down.  Actually, let me include what she said:

My "Grown Ass Man" advice... You may want to reconsider your perspective. If you were applying for a paying position and the hiring manager said, "I want a smart, strong and positive employee who can fill in for me when I can’t be there, lift me up when I am low, and take the helm and keep the ship not only afloat, but sailing forward if I need to take a rest." You may want that position depending on the level of compensation. If you were presented with a long term volunteer opportunity however, that you hoped would bring you joy, excitement, passion, and fulfillment and you came across, "Smart, strong, and positive person needed to fill in for me when I can’t be there, lift me up when I am low, and take the helm and keep the ship not only afloat, but sailing forward if I need to take a rest." You'd probably pass on that "opportunity". Positive if is your third qualifier, yet you proceed to describe times of absentia, poor and sinking spirits, misdirection, and fatigue. People carrying baggage often place planning for bad times at the forefront, because some part of them is psychologically unable to really embrace the possibilities of all the good that could be on the horizon. Few folks are willing to hop aboard for a ride on the S.S. Doldrums. You've managed to say afloat in moderately good spirits for over four decades, it's time you look for a partner with equivalent buoyancy not a rescue submarine.

Now, my first thing is why would she take it this way?  Did it hit a nerve?

I hate to use these two examples, but I will; the first is the movie Traffic and the second is the series Power.  In the former, when her husband is jailed and she finds out that he is this drug trafficker, the wife steps up and runs his business.  In the latter, when Ghost is going through all of the problems he faced with because of Kanaan’s chicanery, Tasha lets him know that she can help out and she crafts him up a strategy to succeed.

While in both cases, the business is drug dealing, it still shows a woman who will step up and take the wheel were necessary.  As I said in the prior note, times are different and most working men can no longer provide a quality life to raise a family at what they are paid.  What’s so unbelievable about a woman being able to be the COO of your partnership?  This is how empires and dynasties are built, with the wife being the next in line to handle business if something happens to the husband.

Do we consider this cowardice, a lack of motivation [or laziness], or both?

In my life I have met some wonderful women, and as I have realized lately, if I hit the lottery there is not one I could see spending the rest of my life with.  Outside of their individual peculiarities that I might not be able to deal with long term, I have witnessed a lot of lazy attitudes in not only dealing with me, but in their lives as well.

If we address the latter, I have seen women have no motivation to learn things on the home front, the bedroom front, or the professional front.  What’s up with not knowing how to cook?  How much of our money do you expect us to waste on dining out or buying precooked meals?  While sex depends on the chemistry between two people, there are way too many one-trick and no-trick ponies out there (this a reason while I am still hung up on several women in my past as they knew how to bring it).  And I have seen women sit in jobs [or idly unemployed] who have made no moves to learn anything else which would make them more marketable.  So, you have a Series 6 (financial services industry) and you have all of the materials to get your Series 7 but you have yet to open a book and start learning it?

And I know this is not all women, because there are some ones out there tearing it up and taking no names. 

See, [some] women have no problem taking a man at a certain level and challenging him to do better, but God, let it be the other way around and they are offended!  You loved Beyonce’s “Upgrade You” but never in the song did it address the mental, just the material.  Life is not all about what you own, but really what you have upstairs, can pass on to others and can do with it.  Looking pretty only gets you so far, and beauty fades.  There are a ton of movies, television shows, and books where the professional woman inspires the man she is doing to do better (Disappearing Acts and Black Coffee come to mind).  He normally has a skilled labor job.  Maybe this scenario makes it palatable for the woman, but when the situation is reversed they take offense to it.  More emasculation of the man for entertainment purposes.

And when people finally get what you were telling them all along, and see that you meant the best for them, it’s usually too late.  That window of opportunity is now closed. 

I remember one story I read about a guy who showed up to apply to become a Navy SEAL.  One part of the qualification test was that they tie your hands in front of you, drop you into one side of the pool and you have to swim to the other side.  When they dropped him in, he walked to the other side.  They pulled him out, screaming at him “what the hell was that?”  He replied that he couldn’t swim.  They accepted him because of his effort and tenacity, telling him that they could teach him how to swim.  He wound up having a successful career in the teams.

Yeah, that’s what I am looking for in a woman.

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