The Elusive Good Black Man: Part 2, Question 3: How Much Drama Does She Bring into Your Life
Zachary M.C. Harris
Saturday, April 06, 2013
Drama (drah – muh) - any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results
Note: For the women out there who are quick to want to offer their take on things, remember that I am right now only addressing things from a man’s point of view. The same three questions could equally be used by a woman in her analysis of a man, and I definitely feel you on some of the brothers out there as well. This is also a reason when women ask me if I know someone, I always say no.
Part 4 of this diatribe/discussion/dissertation revolves around the three questions that a wise man [of any race] starts to ask when he looks at a woman. Those three questions are: how happy does she make me; how much is she going to cost me; and, how much drama is she going to bring into my life. Now honestly, these three questions are all intertwined as answers to one question can also relate to one or both of the other two.
Now on to the question of “how much drama does she bring into your life?
Life is drama, not necessarily good or bad, but drama in general. If you look at the Greek masks which represent the theater, one is smiling and one is crying. Life has its ups and downs and nothing but death will ever change that. Some of the richest people are also the most unhappy, and some of the poorest people are also the happiest people that you can find.
Any other element that you bring into your life also brings drama with it, whether good or bad. Be it a pet, a family member, a friend, a lover, or someone who might one day become your enemy [such as that family member, friend or lover] also brings ups and downs into your life. They might open up their problems to you, or you might see them going through something and extend either advice or assistance. Things happen between people directly and also with others that are part of their life as well. You might know that there are some friends of yours that you cannot bring together, for instance.
The simplest amount of drama is that which the other person brings to your doorstep, metaphorically. I would say the first level would be her attitudes as well as the way that she handles situations that arise from her being in your life.
On the issue of her attitudes, you have to realize that it’s so rare that you and someone else see eye to eye on almost everything, and in that, you have to deal with the differences. Myself, I have a ton of horror stories that I have commiserated over with friends of mine, whether my friends were male or female, and they all felt sorry for my pain. The first thing I think to bring up is the combination of both insecurity and jealousy, having been put in the positions of dealing with women who have been cheated on, as well as women who are jealous that I have female friends that I am very close with [and most of these women I have never slept with at all].
An insecure woman [as well as a jealous woman] might do things that will not only make you feel uncomfortable, but also anger you at some point in time. Checking your cellphone, looking at your CallerID, questioning your movements, or just continually bringing up the men that did her wrong and reminded you of it. The famous warning for me to walk away is when a woman says something akin to “the next time I am going to be in relationship [or have sex], it will be with a man who is in love with me and is my best friend.” Didn’t anyone see A Thin Live Between Love and Hate with Martin Lawrence. Yes, I have heard that and left it alone folks.
Some women will always ask your thoughts on situations that are going on with “people they know” which are really thinly veiled scenarios in which they are trying to use your own words against you, as well as formulate some actions to take to either confirm or debunk any suspicions that they might have.
There is nothing wrong with a woman staking claim to her man, but there is a good way to do it and a wrong way to do it.
Some women’s actions can drive a man to cheat. I repeat, some women’s actions can drive a man to cheat! No man can take incessant nagging by an insecure or a jealous woman; it is totally counterproductive to the relationship.
Direct drama also includes her conversations and/or arguments with you. With everyone not seeing eye to eye on things all the time, these things are bound to happen. A woman’s arguments and snide comments can also be enough to walk away from things. Note when a woman is in a snit, she will easily use the word ‘little’ in her statements, saying things like “oh, go hang out with your little friends” or “go to your little event.” How many men out there are saying amen right now?
I would also like to interject at this time that the reason why many Black men don’t reveal their emotions is because they don’t want them thrown back up in their faces as a sign of weakness later on. Women, this is something to really sit down and think about.
The next level of drama is you, her and the world. Ever been in a fucked up situation and the woman verbally puts you in a predicament that you wouldn’t have entered into yourself? Yes, that’s what the hell I am talking about. Like when she complains about the food to someone serving you, or somehow puts you in a potential fight with someone you know is going to cause you some serious injury, whether you win or not.
I once remember taking out a woman – a sister, mind you, that I initially thought would make the perfect wife – to a friend’s restaurant. Well, my buddy is Italian – real Italian from Italy – and during the time he introduced another friends from his section of Puglia and we all hugged and did the European cheek kiss. Well, less than five minutes later she blurted out “you know them real dagos” which both embarrassed and infuriated the hell out of me. While I might have a deeper level of friendship with certain people, and we can sit and drink and be honest with our thoughts, she could have easily caused a very fucked up situation.
The second type of drama involves her life, meaning things like finances and past relationships. Yes, I know that I dealt with insecure women who had been cheated on earlier, but I am also now talking about women with men in their past who just won’t let go and move on. I know men who have been killed because the ex wouldn’t walk away and leave her alone, as well as women who pitted the new guy versus the old and someone wound up dying; I know, that is truly fucked up. On the finances part, no one is rich, but meeting women who are totally down on their luck and need a little help to make it through can deter a man as well.
The third type of drama deals with her immediate family, and by that I mean any children that she might have. Women are tired; tired of doing every damned thing for their kids without a man – normally the father – present. It can be taxing and children need both a male as well as a female parent figure present. It’s almost impossible to date a woman with children whose kids take issue with you because you are not their daddy as well as when you notice the kids lack the proper discipline. As a female friend once said, “mothers raise their daughters and baby their sons.” My philosophy is that the worst woman to date is the one with only one child and that is a son.
Men dating women with children have not only to deal with the gorilla in the room concerning what both agree on in regards to child-rearing, but also deal with any issues that the father(s) might have with someone else being around their children and/or disciplining them. Some men can’t let go, especially when they won’t step up and the children respect the new man more than they respect their sperm donor. As for me, my father dated my mother when she already has a child, and after he was out the picture, my mother dated a wonderful man named Harry Butler. Harry was exceptionally good to me and the only time he ever lifted a hand to my mother was when she was about to beat me for something that I was not responsible for.
The reality is that there are a sufficient number of women out there who have children by other men, and these women are still quality women to have in your life. Yes, you wish you would have met them first, but that doesn’t change who they really are empirically.
The next level of drama I would say deal with the people in her life, like her friends and family. Chances are, you are not going to get along with all of them, and in some cases, you might see how they are using her or mistreating her. Trying to break the cycle to her benefit can be very caustic; been there, done that.
All that said, that is the third question. I’m sure that there will be some drama over it, but such is life.