When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

The Elusive Good Black Man: Part 2, Question 2: How Much Money Does She Cost You

Zachary M.C. Harris
Saturday, April 06, 2013

Part 3 of this diatribe/discussion/dissertation revolves around the three questions that a wise man [of any race] starts to ask when he looks at a woman.  Those three questions are: how happy does she make me; how much is she going to cost me; and, how much drama is she going to bring into my life.  Now honestly, these three questions are all intertwined as answers to one question can also relate to one or both of the other two.

Now on to the question of “how much does she cost you?”

Getting right into the thick of it, I would like to broach the concept that the whole concept of relationships, or shall I say for the most part how they are carried out is akin to prostitution, it just depends on who is paying.  Societies all around the world have predicated the idea that men want women more than women want men, and in that, women can exercise or withhold their feminine wiles to get what they want. 

Men want sex, and in that regard, they are willing to pay for it either directly or indirectly.  Indirectly could be drinks and dinner, presents like jewelry, taking her on trips, paying her bills, or supporting her where you both live under one roof, with marriage being the ultimate long-term “john” situation.  Directly could simply be giving her cash.  As one famous line goes “you don’t pay a whore to fuck you, you pay her to leave.”  Some men have realized that the direct cash transaction actually costs you less in the long run, both on the issue of money and the issue of drama.

The flipside is that there are women out there who actually also enjoy a man’s company and will just as easily open up their pocketbooks for things like trips, drinks or dinner.  Women have even helped men with their bills and larger purchases such as car or a home.  This does happen and every woman who does it is not a sucker if the man cares equally for her as well and is not trying to take advantage of her kindness.

It costs money to be single, and depending upon how you live your life as a couple, it could be cheaper or more expensive. 

Cheaper would be if your combined incomes and your lifestyle choices contribute to you having more money left over than if you did it on your own.  By lifestyle choices, I mean whether or not you choose to live outside of your means, which is something that both single people and married people do alike.  I remember sitting with three women and one of their reasons for having a man with good credit was so that they could buy nice things together.  Funny, because I am sure that the man himself probably had no need or want for some of those things that they had in mind.  Yes, they were going to cost him.

As a single man with a great salary and no children [but some debts like everyone else], I can easily eat at nice restaurants, drink lovely wine, have every cable channel that I want, and afford high-three count bedsheets.  I can choose to eat like a pauper and spend money on something I really desire, or go without that and just be content with what I have.  Money can be spent on entrepreneurial endeavors and the only mouths I have to worry about are that of me and my pets.

Most women, but not all of them, cost you money.  And if you start to add it all up, and calculate your return on investment (ROI), you might figure it better to have friends with benefits more than anything else.  Dinner for two is more than dinner for one, and so are the movies.  Flowers cost money, and so does every little thing that you might buy her to cheer up her day.  Now ask yourself, what have you gotten of near or equal value in return.

For me, I have years to reflect on and laugh at.  Sometimes, I got taken and sometimes I just wanted to see what a person was really like, so as to walk away at another time.  Sometimes what I spent was worth what I got in return; great conversation and even greater sex.  I mean, outside of those two things, and really the latter, if it was going to result in marriage, what else did I want or need from them? 

I can say that through most of my dating life when I was going out with someone who made more money than me, I was almost always covering the bill.  In retrospect, it wasn’t worth it and given the chance to go out with some of those people again, I would probably say no or go with separate checks.  It’s funny because while dating one woman, she got mad at me for no longer taking her to a certain grade of restaurants that I used to.  The easy answer was that she wasn’t making me that happy and the sex wasn’t that great -- just being honest -- and that takes us back to the first question which I posed.  I responded that as someone with a master’s and a bachelor’s degree, and who only had to pay rent and school loans, that she could easily treat me to the same class of dining experience.  She never expected that.  I mean, where is/was the reciprocation?

You see, the equalizer was in the year 2002 when I met a lovely woman who was equally willing to treat me just as much as I treated her, and this new feeling of not always having to have things come out of my pocket was a welcome scenario and an enlightening lesson in that there are two people, and both should be open to fronting the costs of doing certain things.

Some women have a sense of entitlement that the man should always pay.  Well, with women making just as much, if not more than men, and the economy and society being what it is, there is no reason that [well after the Women’s Lib movement] that a woman can’t equally spend on a man as he does on her.  This is not to say that someone has to do tit for tat; if you don’t make the same amount, a home cooked meal can also do as well, but while men know that we are going to be used, we don’t really want to feel that way.

Factoring in how much a woman will cost you can make some men, i.e those who aren’t made out of money and don’t have a money tree growing on their property, somewhat bitter, reticent and hesitant to engage many women.  And only other women can be blamed for this.  I have seen some very pathetic examples of women behaving badly in regards to hanging out at bars in lovely restaurants like The Capitol Grille waiting for me to buy them drinks, appetizers and even a meal.  There is even one wench who went around with her girls and wouldn’t purchase a drink unless a man bought it for her; she was so cheap that she would only order hot water and even brought her own teabags.  I am not lying.

And yes ladies, on the flipside there are not only some broke-ass men out there, but also some cheap ass ones as well.  However, the dude who will eat ramen noodles for five nights, and then take you out to dinner with a coupon for two at Applebee’s should not be looked down upon, especially if he has a long-term plan and the talent to make it happen.

Now, while I haven’t gone into every sordid tale I have of financial harpies that I have known, or the stories of other men I have known, I must say… oh no, I do have to tell a couple real quick.

Story #1:  I was at a concert in Philly for Eric Roberson and an associate’s cousin was the promoter and her brother was videotaping it as well.  As there was a premium for tables, and I had a four-top to myself, her cousin asked if I would allow three women to sit with me, which I did.  Now, in talking to several of the women, I offered to give them a private wine tasting and expose them to some other wines; please don’t get the wrong impression there.  Now, one woman went closer to the stage and then came back.  When she came back, she made the mistake of berating me for not once offering to order drinks for the ladies.  Hadn’t I done enough with allowing them to sit with me?  As she pointed out, she could easily purchase her own drinks, but a gentleman like her father would have bought drinks for them.  Now, I had to point out that her dad and I were from different generations, and that while she was fine, I had neither the urge to intimately know her and the simple fact that they were sitting at my table should have prompted the cordial behavior of someone buying me a drink.  I mean, they had witnessed what I was drinking and as a matter of thanks could have easily contributed two bucks each to placate me.  Well, this lady got dressed down and also screwed up the wine tasting.  She threw her candy in the sand!

Okay, no story #2 as I need to relax after drinking some lovely Chateau Ste Michelle Dry Riesling.

Summarily, women do cost you money, and depending upon how they make you feel determines how much you are willing to spend on them.  Ladies, you might not like it, but this is sooooooo real.

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