When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

The Elusive Good Black Man: Part 1 Ė His Advantage(s)

Zachary M.C. Harris
Monday, March 25, 2013

Not too long ago, I was at an event focused on African American male-female dynamics and some interesting comments were made in regards to the availability of Black men.  While some other ignorant assumptions as well, this one struck a chord with me.  It is one of those things that I have heard over and over whereas those that say it do not understand why they have a hard time finding what they say that they want.

For the past few years, there has been much discussion on the issue of African American women not finding suitable mates for marriage and/or the low percentage of African Americans who are married versus other ethnic groups and races within this country.  This has played out on both television and in print, much to the chagrin of African American women as they were more or less being assaulted by a media who didn’t really understand the African American community in the present time, nor what we [African Americans] have been through in this country.

The first thing to understand in stark reality is the numbers game.  The are less Black men than there are Black women, and in the simple laws of economics, when something is in less supply it becomes more valuable.  This is something that most women haven’t figured out, and also something that many men who don’t know their self worth or aren’t enlightened, don’t realize either.  We Black men have the initial advantage right there.

The second numerical advantage is that Black men will more easily date outside their race, while Black women won’t.  On the former, there is the issue of Black men having become a sex object based on penis size and legends of their sexual prowess.  What I can say on this are several things, and they don’t apply to all Black men.  The first is that according to the studies of Dr. Kinsey, the largest [average] penis size by race is that of Negroid men, with the second largest being Caucasoid men, preferably those of Scottish and Welsh descent; now you know why they wear those kilts!  Oh, and for the record, the smallest isn’t Asian men either.  In regards to sexual prowess, I would say that that is based on both a combination of desire and sexual compatibility, but I must have a shout out to Jim Kelly and the scene in the movie Enter the Dragon where he ‘orders’ multiple women, but then says something like, “not too much, I have to compete tomorrow.” 

In regards to Black women being slow to date outside their race, that comprises issues of familiarity, choice, and the scars as well as the reality of Black women being raped by white men during slavery and thereafter.  In the latter case, that is over four hundred years of sexual subjugation and assault!  My own maternal grandmother is the product of the white guy from a prominent family who is attracted to a beautiful Black woman and knocks her up.  Her sentence: she had to leave town.

Me, I have dated white women and have been out [or “in”] with women of Indian (East Indian), Caribbean and Latino descent.  I say Caribbean separately because their path is still different than those of African Americans.  My father’s first wife [which was after my mother] was a half-Korean/half-African American woman that he cheated on my mother with; just being honest, folks.

So, you have a smaller group of men to begin with, and then you have their comfort with dating people outside of their own race/color and the number of eligible people goes down even more.

Now, it gets harder for those people who strive to be the best that they can be, which not only includes education, but also not falling into the ruts and pitfalls of the rest of people. 

If you look at post high-school education, there are much more sisters getting bachelor degrees than there are brothers.  Once you put factor in both graduate degrees and doctoral degrees, the shift becomes a lot more.  There is nothing with a Black woman who has achieved a certain level of education to want, if not demand, a man with a similar background, but the numbers just don’t bear good possibilities for that. 

In my case, I have dated women with both bachelor degrees and advanced degrees, and for the most part, I made almost as much, as much, or more than them; I don’t have my degree, but I have been to college.  As one associate pointed out [who does have a couple of degrees], she will not date a man who has not been to college, whether or not he has a degree.  I respect this and agree with it fully, from the simple fact that the college experience opens you up to seeing new things and expanding your horizons beyond your upbringings, and for the most part for us African Americans, it is mostly pretty limited.

The more things that a woman will add to her requirements, the more the list of available suitors will get smaller and smaller.  The problem is that too many women don’t even realize that if they were judged by how they judge others, they wouldn’t even make their own cut.

The other advantage that comes to men involves in shirking responsibility, something that a woman tends not to do.  As my buddy Tyrone Lacy once said, “never underestimate the generosity of a woman.”  A woman will give you a pass on having a previous child [or two] with another woman; she might even give you a pass on having children by two different women.  Men are rarely the same, and many will use that to their advantage, especially if the woman could use some help with them, financial or otherwise.

My belief is that if a man has children by three different women, then he needs to settle down and make it work with one of them AND still develop positive relationships with his other children and develop great relationships between his children with each other.

Again, in my case, my father met and married a woman after having been divorced with two children from that marriage and siring me before that.  I don’t hold any issues with my step-mother, and actually like her and always have.  On her side, she had two children from a man, wasn’t married to him and of course he exited stage right at some point in time.  Her mother had multiple children from different men as well; only two of them had the same father – see a pattern?  In the case of my siblings, I never bonded with them simply as they became the most favored later on in life by some relatives and I was all but forgotten.  During my half-brother’s final year of life, I visited him as he was recuperating at my father’s house.  He actually was a good-natured person, but he was born to two totally fucked up individuals.  Along the way in his life, his lack of exercise and excessive eating resulted in a huge strain on his heart; it was pumping at eight percent efficiency.  At this time, he was maybe two inches shorter than me but outweighed me somewhere between sixty and one-hundred points.  As he was surprised and delighted to see his big brother, I revealed to him that the problems in our relationship and why it would never change was due to his father, and stated for him to focus on the pejorative ‘his.’  At his memorial service, I sat apart from the family section, but his Korean family could easily figure out who I was; those damned genetics.  To my father, I just gave a nod.  Fuck him.

As some of us men know the numbers, we can play them to our advantage, but that doesn’t make it easy for us either.  Sometimes, we are also looking for that diamond, whether in the rough or not.  And the person for us might not be in our immediate vicinity, but might be within a 150 mile radius or farther.

Oh, while I was writing this, I was listening to Keisha Cole’s “Enough of No Love.”  I love this song, and while I normally wouldn’t give her a second glance, this songs makes me look at her on a different level.  Big ups to Benny Boom on this video; I remember him when we used to be at the same parties over at Penn and Drexel.

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