When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Never Stop - No Limits

Zachary M.C. Harris
Sunday, August 17, 2014

So, I started working out again, but so far am taking it in stages, meaning that I am not yet hitting it every day but giving my body time to utilize muscle memory.  My body is responding well and all that I want to lose is of course in my midsection.  As I was walking down the hallway, I glanced at myself in the mirror and checked me out, and then my mind started racing in thoughts.  I started thinking about when I jumped in on a dare [from someone who is no longer here] and pressed some 155lb dumbbells six to nine times with my legs in the air and making no sound.  Then thinking about the time I pressed 385lbs on the flat bench some eight to twelve times; this was again after doing my full workout.

You see, for me this is all quite interesting, as if you would have met me when I was in high school, or known me in my platoon in the Navy, many people would not have even thought I would get to this level… but some others would have known it was in me all along, that and more.

As I walked to the bathroom to shave, I realized that whether it comes to what I can lift, what and how much I can learn, and how much I can love, I have never reached my limit at all.  For the past few weeks, things have been interesting as I have been reflecting on the past as well as looking at what it takes to go forward; this also coincided with my birthday.  And getting back in the swing of lifting is quite interesting, as something in me in presenting itself more and more, and that’s my old spirit.  There are times when I do a lift/exercise and feel like I need another day of rest, and then five minutes go by and I am back at it, pushing myself on that exercise and then doing some other ones.  Oh, and it shows.

And then we get to learning, or my ability to learn more.  You know, I probably pray every day and at least a couple days a week I usually thank God for not only the talents that I was bestowed with, especially in academics, but the ability to learn and teach myself more things that in turn allow me to make more money.  As I learned from one past friend who used to teach, he noted that the problems that many people have is simply based on the fact that what they are lacking is problem solving skills, and learning new things, especially in the world of programming is based on understanding how to solve problems, and just learning new ways to do it.  He could see the same looks on adults as he could on children when they were in a situation in which they couldn’t figure a solution.  Sometimes, I take freelance projects just to force myself to learn something new, or learn a new way to do something, or just solve some new puzzle.

And now we are at the last of things of which I have not reached my limit, which is love.  I started pondering this in the potential situation of what I would do if I hit a big lottery.  The exact question was in reference to out of everyone I ever dated, would there be any one person among them who I would want to share the rest of my life with?  And I thought long and hard and realized that money isn’t always the answer, because while people might treat you a certain way when you have lots of it, the real person will emerge and you might realize that you truly wouldn’t be happy with them anyway.

And the concept of love is not just focused on that in romantic relationships, but love for people in general, my friends and family, and of other things.  Those who know me know I love animals, and it’s really interesting when animals show you a serious amount of love and affection.  And you know what, you can tell some things about people by the way that the treat animals in general and their pets in particular.

The one thing about life is that as you grow, you realize that people grow/evolve/change and you cannot assume that someone is the same person that they were the last time you knew them.  Unfortunately, some people don’t change and some people don’t ever forgive.  More so, some people only hold on to one side of things and might not realize that the response that they got from you was actually based on their bad actions.  And some times, the first time just isn’t the right time, but the next time could be it. 

But I guess for some people, it’s easier for them to simply keep the record of things to be that which allows them never to reveal to their world – you know, their friends and family -- that maybe the last way that they painted the picture wasn’t as bad as it seems.  It’s funny how I look back in my life and see that in several people I have known, some of whom I was madly in love over.  Hell, in most cases I was eager to give it another chance, because the first time around was like breaking in an engine and getting out all of the cobwebs.  But I remember what someone once said of me, someone who really didn’t know me in the romantic light at all, which was “Zach is like getting hit by a Mack truck.”  You know, what’s wrong with hearing the truth from someone who loves you, especially when all those other people in your life refuse to be that honest with you?  Shoot, I probably am looking at spending the rest of my life with you, so it is in our best interests if we can both shed the bullshit that is holding back our lives, whether individually or together.

And I am at that age, and have been through enough, where the lyrics in the songs really mean something to me; I mean, I am finally getting them.  Bobby Womack is really a beast.  But songs like “Can You Stand the Rain,” “What a Fool Believes,” “I Keep Forgetting,” and “Stop on By” really mean something to me.  I am not ready to throw in the towel and settle.

Part of the strength of love is not only compassion and forgiveness, but also to understand the walks of others.  It takes a lot of strength to love, just as it takes a lot of strength to hate, and sometimes at the core of hate, is really just love that can’t be connected to the object of one’s affection, whether romantic or platonic.  True love will allow you to shed tears and not feel like you’re less than a man for doing it, but there is a difference in that and just crying at the slightest thing.  It’s funny how the song for the Amazing Spider Man 2 has lyrics that are really about giving your all when you have love; it’s actually my new hype song for doing maximum weight lifts. 

It’s funny how many people cried during “The Best Man Holiday;” I normally sit in the back row of a movie and will admit that I cried at least three times, but no one saw it!  Unless someone has the blackest of hearts, there is no way that they didn’t shed a few tears watching that.  Some folks of course posted funny Facebook updates saying that while they watched it their allergies were acting up!  But you know, love is deep like that.  I can honestly admit that there are two points in the movie “Set it Off” where I get emotional; the scene in which Stoney sleeps with old boy to get tuition money for her little brother and the part in which Cleo takes the fall so that her girls have a chance to get away.  Hell man, I can tell you that the songs “Sing About Me,” and “Real” by Kendrick Lamar hit me hard and I had to shed a tear or two. 

As long as I breathe I can always give more, and sometimes it takes something else to resonate, reverberate, and pull out the love within me; maybe a little stronger than what I felt before.  I’m just as willing to give an honest second chance as much as I am willing to allow someone to show me that they have moved past the previous limit that they at in their lives.  It’s like you sometimes reach that limit, and you can’t move past it for the longest time, but at some point something happens and you move on, whether it is lifting, learning or loving.  It’s called plateauing.

The fact is that you only reach your true limit when you expire, meaning when you die.  And for many of us, we believe that there is something else out there for us, so even that is false.

And so I wonder, pondering whether my future is someone in my past or someone I have yet to meet, if not just someone whom I know but have yet to know on a romantic level.  And through it all, I never stop believing, never stop moving forward and never stop trying. 

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