When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Look like a woman does, but expect as a man

Zachary M.C. Harris
Saturday, March 16, 2013

For the past few weeks I have had an interesting number of conversations, dialogues and exchanges which has all focused around some of the same things.  The truth be told, much of it was me venting about my frustrations with several women or just the state of Black male-female relationships as broken down to the empirical states of the two components; Black males and Black females.  And some of the conversations have centered on women asking questions in regards to their fears that they will grow old by themselves.

Now, I say “look like a woman does” and let me better explain this to you.  But first, the precursor is that I will not use the concepts of what a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman’ would do because the smartest people make some of the dumbest mistakes; hell, that’s the root philosophy of game.  When I say it, I mean it from the viewpoint of the smart woman who has learned to look for the qualities in a man that will not only make a good provider and husband, but also look out for some of the red flags that could sandbag, or negatively impact, a future life together.  Let me say right now that “these” women tend to look at the former concept more, and ignore some of the common things such as the health problems that will arise from behaviors such as bad dieting.  And depending where one really stands on the social ladder (looks, career/wealth, social subset) impacts if not wholly shapes their vision of what they seek.

More often, we as men focus on looking for the woman that we find attractive rather than the woman who could be a good life-mate for us.  And if we do find the latter, many of us will jeopardize that relationship for a woman that we find more attractive or more sexually fulfilling (women need to take note of this right here).  There are those of us who fall into the commonality of female deceptions which has manifested itself through the application of fake nails, fake hair, fake boobs, fake attitudes and even fake wealth; a ton of credit card debt or a balloon mortgage all for the things that comprise a lifestyle that you can’t afford are all for naught.  We are sometimes happy that we have this person on our arm – rarely is she really by our side – who fits an archetype of what modern concepts of beauty and sexuality pass for.  I see it all the time, and to a degree, I am partial to it as well.

On one aspect, let’s look at the “healthy” woman, and those of you who really can appreciate the female form know exactly what I am talking about; that woman with some serious curves, whether or not she has small hips and/or a small waist.  Men of color (Latino, Negro) easily have an affinity for these shapes are they are written in our genetic subconscious and our cultural ancestry.  If you don’t believe me, research the word “bunda;” I will help you by telling you that there was an article that was published in the Philadelphia Inquirer on this about ten years ago.  This is not to say that this is truly the norm in either of these cultures as we African Americans are a mélange blended from the slave-owners desire for more robust slaves and with some dashes of white blood thrown in, mostly not of our own desires.  And if you’ve noticed, not all white people are small either.

Now, looking [ahead] like a woman means looking analytically at where things could go, and again, many of us fall into a tragic pitfall of looks and what’s the current trend versus what wins in the long run.  I remember listening to George Fraser (“Success Runs in Our Race”) talking about his siblings, in that one hung out with friends who all wanted to be teachers and wound up being one, while another hung out with folks who never had a plan, and of course wound up in jail (idle hands et al).  What’s good today might not be par for the course tomorrow, and for the most part, there is always a tomorrow.  In looking at the youth, my sorrow is in the assortment, number and placement of tattoos that some folks get, but wonder why promising opportunities with both careers and people elude them. 

It is in hearing conversations about nothing as well as listening to the murder of the English language through a combination of bad speech delivery, mispronunciation of words, and ill-formatted sentences that lack proper understanding of the use of the letter ‘s’ when something is plural.  For anyone with a true education, and this has nothing to do with degrees, it is pure cacophony. 

It is also the frustration of hearing the excuses time after time; the same damned excuses for which no one has just ever attempted to pick up a book and chose to learn something relevant.  While I am not a fan of anything more than wine and a few choice liqueurs, it’s disheartening every time someone walks into a store and purchases a blunt or some tobacco leafs wraps; yes, I realize that you’re going to just smoke some weed and for the most part you probably don’t have a good job and most likely never will.

If you have time to hang out on the corner, then you have time to read and/or learn something new.  As I posited to one acquaintance, it’s funny how some people seem to do a lot of reading in jail!  The key is to do the reading before that and maybe you won’t wind up there.  And then there are the children, born to parents too young, ignorant, and capable to raise them so that they can grow up to be more than the generation before them.

Sorry, that’s just my disgust at some of what I see out there, because it’s amazing how some folks like that want to continually complain about someone keeping them down when they are keeping themselves down.  Yes, we are really our own worst enemies, but eating an extra donut now and then is light years away from making no movies in the right direction whatsoever.  And then, if not as well, argue about the fact that they can’t find a good man or woman, after they have basically dug a hole so deep that anyway that comes into their life won’t be able to escape that bottomless pit as well.

Yeah, I will admit, I occasionally will salivate at some of the pics of ultimate hotness that women might post that are shared on Facebook and some other sites, but in the end, I look at them as mindless minions of a burning Babylon that in know way could really contribute to my life with anything that I could really use except for maybe some mind-blowing sex.  Again, that’s just a maybe, but I have some plans and to achieve that, I need more than a woman who just sucks me dry, sexually and otherwise.

I am frustrated with this ever pernicious concept of the BBW, or big beautiful woman, as well because in many cases, it is just a cop out to not eating better and not exercising.  This is not to say that I am not a fan of women who might be somewhat healthy, but fat is fat, and lots of fat leads to problems like hypertension, diabetes and heart related problems.  Oh, and there are the issues of the long term joint problems as well concerning the spine, knees, hips and ankles.  While everyone is not out of the poor-house, haven’t we learned enough in the past sixty years that it’s time to abandon certain types of cooking, foods and beverages?  This is not to say that we should totally abandon soul food, but we can make it better, if not healthier.  And I for one will tell you that some people no matter what they do are going to be a certain size and it’s not worth killing yourself to be the pinnacle of someone else’s idea of beauty, but when your bodyfat percentage is more than a certain amount, then you need to do something and stop dressing up a sow in silk (old saying, don’t take it as a personal attack).

I look and see young men trying to emulate the ghetto – I so hate using that word because the real definition is so different – stereotype of either the thug or someone with thuggish qualities.  I hate to tell you, but you’re not going to get ahead far in the world with that attitude, and I do mean the world, which is a big place with lots of beauty and opportunities.  The tragic part is that they get fooled into emulating it by those who are clearly performers, playing a huge charade to stack money.  Most of those people don’t have the money they profess to in their songs and interviews, and for the small amount that do, they’re never going to back you.  One funny example is that of the rapper named “Goon” who basically did that one concept of the leader of the rap clique Free World in the movie 8 Mile, being that in reality he went to private school.

You want to set a trend?  Show what you can get with knowledge!

This also factors back into the concept of manhood, and how we envision it, as well as what type of man we want to imagine ourselves to be.  We really don’t have time for trophy wives, unless the trophy is that she is kind, caring, nurturing, has our best interests at heart and brings more to the table than someone to cook, clean and bed.  I don’t know about you, but I want a woman that can contribute more than that, who has a sharp mind that can also stimulate me mentally, and keep me constantly and continually in awe of both her mind and her beauty, howsoever I might view the latter.

To expect as a man is most importantly to look for a lady first and foremost.  If she is a freak/whore in the bedroom and a chef in the kitchen, then you have just struck gold, but certain things about her don’t need to be known to the whole world.  But you have to first understand the concept of what a lady is, and it has nothing to do with the woman who goes to church and recites scripture; some of those are the biggest sinners anyway.

It is not to demand of women the expectations thrust upon them in the concept of traditional roles, but to be able to at least do some of the things if the need arises.  I am surprised by how many women out there who can’t cook at all, and have no desire to want to learn even a few dishes that will get them by.  And this is not to say that men can’t equally cook or clean, as they should contribute to the household as well.

What a man should also expect is not a person who is trying to play them or keep certain things one-sided, and this usually comes with some [scathing] criticisms of what a man is and how he should “act like a real man.”  Fellas have heard this in passing, directly, or seen it in movies and television shows – entertainment folks – more times than they care to imagine.  A man may treat you very well, but that is not a license to take advantage and never reciprocate.  Of all of the so-called independent women out there – and some of them can’t even spell the word correctly, if you don’t believe me, just surf some of the ads on craigslist – so many of them want to go out with the man, even making the suggestion, but never feel as though they should ever treat him.  You’ll take, but you won’t give?  No man needs that.  If you don’t have money, you can always offer to cook a meal!  I have even heard one sister put a religious twist on it, saying that the Bible says that the man is supposed to be the provider.  Well, not only have times changed but if you’re not married, that goes out the window.

And talking about reciprocation, while I was almost finished this, the elephant in the room is sex because that is definitely one area where women have been more takers than givers, no pun intended.  If a man isn’t into doing certain things, I would expect a woman to not even trifle with him, but I am still baffled by the amount of women who like men to do certain things, but will not reciprocate at all;  I really don’t think that I have to spell it out, do I?  Oh, and to tag on this, it’s humorous and ironic seeing all of the ads by BBWs wanting a man who is in shape, but yet they aren’t at all.  But hey, why not ask for what you want, you might just get it.

Some women give you quick signs to leave her alone, and while you might miss out on someone good, sometimes you have to just calculate the odds and realize how much this person might not turn out to be the person that you want.  If someone has been married and divorced multiple times, and is only so old, you might want to leave them alone.  More than one baby-daddy, you might want to think twice.  This is not to indict single mothers, my mom was/is one, but when all of the fathers tend to be losers, or maybe one of them is currently incarcerated or has spent some time in the pokey, you might want to pass.  Strong and boisterous to the point of being an extreme loud-mouth who will possibly cause some not too pleasant situations, leave it alone.  No sense in you getting arrested because she has caused something or has put you in a situation which you would have never put yourself in.  She has a drug problem, keep walking.  She continually dresses very provocatively and hangs out with a bunch of other single women trolling for men, nope.  She starts asking for money for her hair or nails, her children’s something or another, or a bill, bounce.

Now, this is not to say that people don’t go through down points in life, because it is life, and we all go through it.  People learn to value other people for who they are, usually once they themselves have suffered a setback or two.  I sincerely believe that a man with very little can truly see the value of a good woman in his life, but that a man that has everything he wants very rarely sees the value of/in a woman.  The more we have, the less we tend to treasure others.  The same can be said of a woman in regards to a man.

Summarily, for those men out there who are really looking for a great future, we need to look more analytically like some of the smarter women out there and while we are doing that, we should still not expect less than we are worthy of.

Men, what do you expect when it comes to women?

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