When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Hello and Never Mind

Zachary M.C. Harris
Friday, January 22, 2016

It took me awhile before I finally heard the song “Hello” by Adele, and actually I was more intrigued by someone’s take on it which portrayed her as a crazy ex who just couldn’t move on in her life.  For me, I could easily see both sides of the picture.  I would say that my heart has definitely been broken more times than I have broken the hearts of others and over that time it has actually changed how I deal with heartache and breakups.  At one point, I would basically bring someone the moon and the stars if I were in love with them and wanted to keep the relationship going, but as life progressed and later experiences showed me that there were better things out there, I started to gain a new perspective on loss and what I was exactly losing.

As I started to love myself more, the things that I would put up with in how I was treated started to become less and less and I was less hesitant to break my foot off in someone’s ass just by using the power of my words.  Nice guys finish last… sometimes.

But I don’t believe in one straight philosophy, sometimes understanding that the other person has been hurt so much that they need to witness and experience that you are really there for them for them to truly open up and let everything that can happen happens, and on the flipside, sometimes no matter what you do will shore up their empty holes.

The first time that happened for me was when I walked away from a woman whom I just realized I was wasting my time with.  And we did wind up dating again, but I had neither the level of love for her or it’s all-encompassing energy that was there the first time around.  And this second time around, I ended it because I just saw her selfishness and two other things, and decided that those things would never change in her.

And it hurt me because the loving was good!

But this also raises the issue of that person in which you will always have some strong feelings for, regardless of what transpired between you, though you can never go back to what you had before, and you can’t really go forward to have something better because one or both of you can’t get past not only the hurt caused by things that were said in the past, but the reality that the person said those things to you in the first place.

I realized that I was cured [to a degree] in regards to one woman when I was driving behind a gold Nissan Pathfinder and no feelings nor association came to me.  For those that don’t know the story, this ex of mine had a gold Pathfinder and every time I would see one, it would stop my heart a bit and I would wonder if she was driving it.  Later it would be much easier for me when I remembered what her license plate/number was.  But maybe my subconscious just realized that she didn’t own that vehicle anymore and the last time we saw each other she pissed me off and I had no reason to remember anything; getting me pissed off does cause a total change in me.

And she was one of those people who I will never stop having feelings for, even if I know that the man I am can never be with the woman that she is, and the last time I saw her, she is still that very same woman.  And that’s the same woman who won’t truly face her problems and always hides behind a ton of bullshit rather than deal with the truth.  And like Hall and Oates, I can’t go for that.

With the end of the last year and the beginning of this one, I [like clockwork] gave a look of what my past has been and what my future can hold.  I wondered if the person for me is someone I already know, and possibly someone that I have already dated, and I still came up empty.  I came up this way because I know the life and goals that I have for me, and what things and what people will continually derail me, whether it is of their own doing or me just putting them first.  I have shied away from people simply because certain things about them remind me of someone in my past whom things didn’t work out with; I am very hesitant about dating actresses or singers.  Even if I had no worries, and my business was where I would like it to be, I would still act the same way.  And then there are those who just won’t move to the next space on the board, but simply stay in that one little square, and I can’t do that either.

I laughed as I finally understood the meaning of the song “Little L” by Jamiroquai because it was not only the dynamic of my last relationship, but someone else I met whom I started to fall in love after her.

And while I think of those past loves, and remember all of the great aspects there were, and sometimes I want to reach out and say hello, the memories of all of the bad times, and worse things said, come crashing back like an avalanche.  And no matter how big a heart I have, there are some things that I can never put myself in the path of again.  Even on ex who is a great friend of mine acts mum when we recall her actions and what led to my heart turning away from her; we can laugh about it, but that damage is done.

In several cases, I would love to try again, and with certain people I can foresee the drama which will never change, which makes it untenable.  And I look forward, wondering in the case of one or two people if they could be the person for me and I could be the person for them.  But for those others, I realize that no matter what, I would not want to open up that door again.

This is the “never mind.”

Even when you extend the olive branch, amity or even your heart, the person says or does something that will immediately make you realize that they are still stuck in that place, which could be utter stupidity.  People can tell you that they have changed, but their behavior is exactly the same as before when they don’t get their way.  And you, or at least I, immediately start to remember every time that their funky ass acted up in the past.

So, Adele I feel your pain, and there are several people whom I could easily sing this song to.  But at the same time, you need to realize that sometimes people never want to admit their own sins, even if it would allow for you to forge a new path.  Sometimes, folks want to tell everyone else a story a certain way and never want to retract it because they never want their folks to openly challenge them on everything that they said in regards to you.  I say openly, because sometimes people are saying things anyway, because they have seen the person do the same thing in more than one case.

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