When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Fear of Losing Someone and Wanting Them Back in Your Life

Zachary M.C. Harris
Saturday, March 16, 2013

For those that really know me, they know that they need to be very selective in listening to me when I have tied one on – you know, become a little nice – because at that point in time I am a fount of love and understanding.  This is at that point in which I can just be open with my emotions and look at all of the good things in a person, and if given the right stimulus, some things will come out of my mouth, or through my thumbs in my text messages.  And you know what, I really don’t regret it, because deep down it really is part of how I feel.  This is the loving side, or really the positive way of looking at a person, but there always exists the other side, which is more analytical and if asked, will also be equally open and honest as well.

And we all do realize that the heart is a lonely hunter and also that one is loneliest number.

There lies the reality of looking back in your past and wondering what could have been, which is also combined with missing all the good aspects of a person if not the great joys experienced by the combination of the two of you, as well as also knowing that while you really loved them, there is no way in hell that you could have put up with all of the things that you didn’t like for the rest of your life together with them.  Yeah, it fucking sucks.

I have been blessed to have experienced a variety of women in my life; okay, that is an understatement.  And in that, each one added to influencing me in one way or another, through the good times, the bad times and the boring times.  It has made it more “interesting” to say the least, for any woman who wants to date me, because I have learned to not be the sucker and to know what women are capable of giving and doing, as well as the bullshit that can be presented.

What motivated me to right this was seeing tonight’s episode of the television show Suits, which is one of my favorites.  And while I write this, I am listening to Alexander O’Neal’s album “All True Man.”  Now, the show in itself has three fine ass women; one African American, one Latina, and one redhead.  And in this episode, one guest star sacrificed her position and her future to give the man that she is in love with a win, and later in the episode, one of the main characters finally tells his secret to the co-worker that he really is in love with.  Before he does this, she confronts him, and he reveals to her that he has lost everyone, but at this point in his life, he doesn’t want to lose her; at least not on this very day.  And this all got me thinking.

You see, a couple days ago, I was going through old emails while looking for the email address of a friend, and I came across two different emails from two women whom I both loved deeply.  For one, despite everything that has happened between us, I still reached out.  Now, in retrospect maybe nothing will happen at all, but I was being open and honest with my heart (“Somebody Changed Your Mind” is playing right now and I am drinking a glass of one of my favorite Bordeaux style blends; Benegas’ Don Tiburcio 2009 from Argentina).  I thought that maybe I did start the email, but didn’t see it in my sent mail, but then realized that I sent it from one of my other email addresses.  I actually dread the response, but it will be what it is.

Now, with everything being what it is, I will admit that I have looked and relooked – and that’s the actually definition of the word ‘respected’ – at the women who have been in my life and contemplated if I could walk in unified harmony with them, and while there are a few women out there where the sex is totally wonderful, they are not my path.

And it’s interesting, as I am on the prowl again, and have met a number of women who each could easily find themselves in the pole position (racing terminology, folks) but I still wonder about those who have given me joy before.  Do I chose a woman my age, a woman a little bit older, a women a little younger, one with grown kids, or one with younger kids who I might be able to impart some things into, or am I just being stupid in asking this question?  I have been fortunate enough to know women that have given me their heart and held me down when I needed it, but there were things that I needed that they still couldn’t give to me, and I have known those who have given me what I wanted but could never hold me down when I needed it.  And you know, I am little bit too deep to get with someone who is into certain things that I can’t stand or make an excuse for, no matter how happy they make me feel.

You only live once, and I want to know that when I make that decision to marry, that I will never regret it.

Now, the funny thing is that I can recall many of the times in which I went to [amazing] lengths to win over a woman, if not lose one, who my heart was pining over.  And I am sure that some of them could easily sit in a circle and have you entertained with some of the stories.  Hell, in one, I wrote a love letter, picked up twenty five roses and drove down to a woman’s house – a one hour drive -- to give them to her and drive home.  Unfortunately, as I was driving down her block, she was driving from her house with her mom in the passenger seat, saw me, and hit the ceiling.  I just dropped the letter and the roses in the mailbox, went home, and then got the earful of vitriolic voicemail.  Oh, “Hang On” is playing right now. 

Now mind you, this was the same woman who was upset with me earlier in the year for thinking I had someone else, and I brought her roses to her job, waited for her for an hour and after our conversation we were finally in a relationship; oh, I was the reluctant one when we first met.

Right now, I am reminded of the line in the movie “The Seat Filler” which was something like, “trust the man who is willing to make a fool of himself for you.”

So, there you have it. Not too deep, but deep enough.  My boy Teddy is throwing a party for his girlfriend in Baltimore this Saturday and he told me that there will be plenty of women there, but you know, it’s going to be raining, I have a lot of work to do for clients, and I am also waiting to for a response.  However, I still might make it down there anyway.

Question:  Is there anyone that you are worried about losing?

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