When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Daffy Duck, the Trick You Can Only Do Once, and the Destruction of Trust

Zachary M.C. Harris
Monday, June 15, 2015

In the past three months, I have had three conversations with three different male friends in regards to their relationships; hearing them out and exploring all angles.  Each one has/had been going through something in their relationships or previous relationship dynamics. One of them had a past marriage with children being the only thing linking the two.  One had a relationship that was ending.  One had a relationship established for years, now with a young child and destined for marriage.

In each case, there were breaches of trust perpetuated by the female side of the equation, and none of it had anything to deal with infidelity.  In each situation, I heard them each out, tried to surmise and propose what the woman was feeling to see if there was a way to ameliorate her, and then understood myself that each relationship had crossed the point of no return.

See, [physical] infidelity can be forgiven because honestly it’s something we see more than ever these days.  People can make mistakes and learn and sometimes we are the cause of the reason that they sought comfort somewhere else.  I will honestly admit that I have been unfaithful myself, for reasons that I wasn’t just getting what I wanted [which is what I asked for before a relationship began] or when someone violated my trust and disrespected me.

Now at this point, I am sure that a lot of women as well as some ‘holier than thou’ folks are tripping off that last statement about being disrespected, but you have to understand that for some men, disrespect is the worst thing that you can do to them.  For some men, like myself, we are the protectors of those in our lives, especially our significant others.  We will be the wind beneath your wings, your bridge over troubled waters, your shelter in a storm, and the one person there for you when the rest of the world is against you.  Betraying us, or disrespecting us is the worst thing that you can do.  We will take your side and defend you, but when you constantly and continually jump back in with the people who hurt you in the first place, that is the ultimate disregard for us taking your position.

I’m wired in such a way that when I go to war for you, you never backslide with the enemy that you identified.  I’m not the guy who can forgive and then smile and act like nothing happened at all, and any man who can do that is not the man that you want.  Violation of my trust and my actions on your behalf is the worst thing, because it now invalidates you and whether or not I should ever put myself in a position to do anything on your behalf.

See, there is a difference between being children and being adults.  I grew up with my older sister and I remember how girls would be cool one day and not be cool the next.  This went on ad nauseum until they started to get past the minor bullshit in their lives.  Boys sometimes did the same, but pride and ego overruled wisdom and knowledge so when lines were drawn, they were pretty much etched in stone until we grew older and realized how precious life is; many never reach that point which is the reason you have so many people still assaulting, if not killing, one another.

Now, why did I lead off with Daffy Duck?  The answer is in an old Warner Brother’s cartoon called “Show Biz Bugs – Tea for Two” in which Daffy, who really is more talented than Bugs Bunny, never gets the applause due him (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRxohDs2-UM).  He finally winds up doing the most stupendous trick ever, but in the end it kills him, so regardless of the applause he receives, it’s the end of the line for him.  The correlation to relationships is that sometimes there is that one thing that you can do to get attention so much, that it totally ruins the future of that relationship.  The worst thing I would think ladies can do is to make their man look stupid amongst others; men don’t like being belittled [and honestly I have belittled women in front of others, but not maliciously, if you can accept that].

The trick that a woman can only do once is to withhold sex from a man, because once he realizes he can get it from somewhere else, that card/hand you played is over.  You tried and lost, and it didn’t have to be that way.

The destruction of trust is the ultimate sin to a man, because it is more emotional and mental rather than physical.  This destruction can be caused by you lying on their person, presenting their secrets out to others, or taking someone else’s side before you take theirs.  It can also be based upon you misrepresenting them.

As I said, I have been through many interesting experiences in my life, so without talking about the incidents that my friends went through, I will take you down my own personal memory lane instead.

Years ago, I dealt with someone with a very tortuous family dynamic.  I witnessed the family’s duplicitousness early on when they said some negative things about her when she was out of the room and then turned around and said that I said some negative things about her, which wasn’t true in the least.  I witnessed them turn like a pack of hyenas on her [to much devastating psychological damage] and took her side, protecting her and throwing my aegis around her.  I could have easily walked away, but I felt much for her and thought that no one should have gone through this.  I gave her the advice to separate from these people, as their track record was nothing more than repeatedly emotionally destroying her.

Needless to say, they made the mistake and going back into the lion’s den to which I knew that it was going to ultimately be bad for them.  And at that point, I decided to spend time with someone else that evening.  Well, like I forewarned and foretold, it went to hell and they wound up coming back to me for comfort.  They caught me with someone else, to my chagrin, but honestly the minute that they decided to cast my love and protection aside was the exact minute that they destroyed my trust in them and they showed me that they didn’t value my role in their life.

Now, some of you may say that it was not my role to protect them, and if that is the case, then what was the purpose of us ever being in a relationship?  Like the story of the little boy who cried wolf, this person was just doing the same thing over and over which would get me to the point of not believing and not caring to where she would ultimately die at the hands of the threat she kept talking about, but really manifested itself.

This person then went on to choose people she thought were friends, who let her down when she needed it, over me.  No matter what happened between us, that was the ultimate final straw and I walked away.  Of course, more stuff would come out in the future of their missteps.

Now back to present day, as while I have a ton of examples in my life, they are not worth dredging up, I will talk about actions and incidents.

One big problem with certain relationships is that people sometimes do things based on bad advice, or something like watching someone on television and trying to repeat it thinking that they can have the same outcome.  What they really need to realize is that fiction is exactly fiction, and not everyone is going to stand for certain things, or sit down for them either.  In my life, there are certain things which I will never stand for, or remain seated for.

I remember another crazy incident from my past in which I was driving with a girlfriend to the wedding of her second cousin up in Plainfield, New Jersey.  Now, I must state that I am not the type of person whom is a good actor when I am pissed.  Upset me, and it shows in my eyes, and everyone sees it.  The day started off with me picking her up and us going into a Wawa’s.  She wanted a breakfast sandwich and the only thing that I wanted was some Swedish fish.  The woman preparing sandwiches commented on this to then question whether I had ulcers [simply because her brother has them].  I asked if he was married to which she said that he was divorced, and I replied that that was the cause of his ulcers, not Swedish fish.  Well, my girlfriend reacted to tell me that I was fucked up for saying that.  Really?  So, I just concentrated on the ride ahead, with her as the “navi-guesser.”

Now, she is from northern Jersey and as she had pointed out several times before that I was not her daddy, I trusted that she could at least read the directions properly.  As we neared the exit number, two things became apparent.  The first thing was that the exit number didn’t exist on the northern side of the Garden State Parkway, and the second was that she was reading the directions for coming south, not coming from the south.  See, I am the cat that will give you deference as you have been surviving all along without me.  Well, it was maybe three blocks to the next exit to which she ordered me to speed up to that exit and then instructed me how to turn around.  Hey lady, you fucked up on the simplest things and now you expect me to listen to your new instructions?  I do know what I am doing.  Needless to say, I didn’t say anything but nodded my head to which she got upset, screaming out that I was just like her son in this case.  See, what that showed me is that you have a history of screwing up driving directions, and that when someone doesn’t respond by saying something, it pisses you off more.

She would then go on to tell me that I needed to be with a white woman because they would put up with my shit.  Mind you, I didn’t do anything at all.  Secondly, she was the one who dated everyone but Black men for a while because she was cheated on by her first husband, who was from Curacao; he wasn’t even African American.  At that point, I reached my limit, to which I pulled the car over and gave her a proper dressing down, to which she couldn’t even respond.  Yeah, I probably should have just dropped her off and left, but I didn’t.  We got to the wedding, and everyone knew what happened; that she did it again and pissed another man off.  Two of her brothers both comforted me and even the father of the bride told me that he should be looking like that, because he was paying for the wedding.  Man to man, that had me cracking up.

There are lines that once a crossed in a relationship, that strong man you had in your corner will never have the same feelings about you again.  When you use venom on your tongue in anger, you’ve crossed that line.  When you make up fake charges or accusations and spread them, ditto.  When you go further and call the cops, it’s a wrap.  Once you have taken things to that point, you’ve told him that you don’t love him anymore and that he could never wholly place his trust in you.

Sometimes people can come back from things, but depending upon the type of man you’re dealing with, it might just truly be over.  Now, I will admit that I have an ability to sometimes see into a person for whom they are, and realize that what transpired was just because of where they were.  For everything that I have endured, the love in me is usually greater than the incidents that happened [within reason].  But in looking forward in my own life, I also know which things I don’t want to repeat and ultimately will not put myself in positions to allow that to happen again.

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