When A Black Man Loves - a romantic journey

Are you oxymorons plusses or minuses?

Zachary M.C. Harris
Tuesday, April 23, 2013

An oxymoron is a figure of speech which combines contradictory terms.  One example would be “jumbo shrimp” while another one is “agree to disagree.”  Something made me think of how our behaviors can be total oxymorons and we may not realize that either those, meaning our actions, or some of the things that we are looking for are ultimately the bane of successful relationships for us.

For me, I see it all of the time in places like Facebook and Craigslist -- I love reading the personals for some laughs; you’d be surprised by the amount of women who are basically whoring themselves out but trying to phrase it as something totally different – and it’s really humorous when you directly know some of the people who are engaged in two different sets of behaviors which are at complete odds with sanity.

On one end, you have the people who continually post/share religious scriptures and quasi-religious writings, but on another hand, their actual behavior or the rest of the things that they post make you really question where their moral compass points and turns.  So, you were talking about how Godly your actions are but at a party, you’re kissing other women and doing things that should only be seen in a sex-dungeon?  Okay, really?  These people crack me up the most.

But asides from religious hypocrisy, which is something that almost all of us who are religious exude, though we are not strong nor honest enough to admit it, it’s also what people say about themselves which can be the most comical thing for people to hear.  As a Black man in America, I don’t know how many times I have heard women refer to themselves as independent.  In the worst cases of it, many of them can’t even spell the word properly or incorrectly use the plural of ‘women’ versus the singular of ‘woman.’  In the best case, many of these so-called independent women are nothing more than functionaries with a job.  And guess what, a job is not independence, you can get fired damned near anytime and a job is not guaranteed.  Having a house, a car and a great job don’t make you independent; they make you blessed with something to be thankful for.  Having those things doesn’t mean that you will always have them, nor that you aren’t leveraged to the hilt, and in this latter case, unless you hit the lottery, you’re going to need someone else to help you pay down that debt and keep those things.

And if you're so damned independent, then I guess you can pay for own way on the date. ;-)

And as far as actions, women have to look at how what they do then conflicts with what they say they are, or want to be recognized as.  Chris Rock so eloquently talked about the women shaking their asses to the latest rap song which treated women like pieces of meat at best, but they acted like they weren’t the [type of] women being talked about in the song. In the past few days, I saw a trifling video clip of women at Tuskegee University partying and singing along to the latest song by [or featuring] Rick Ross which basically is describing date rape.  If you’re partying to this, then men won’t and possibly shouldn’t find an issue with slipping you something.  I mean, isn’t it like you condoned the activity by dancing to it and smiling?  And this was women who were in college, a historically Black college at that.

For the men, and by this I mean Black men, you can’t have it both ways.  There is no way in hell that you can be a thug, but also try to act like you’re a totally sophisticated man, or even a gentleman; these two things are at odds with one another.  Timberland boots and a scraggly “phuslim” (Fake Philly Muslim) beard are never going to mark you as a man of distinction.  And if you want the world to look at you differently, and in a good light, then stop trying to look like everyone else that is grimy as hell.  I remember hearing one young buck talk about all that he wanted in a woman, but this cat is in a dead end job, smokes weed, still is wearing cornrows, is in and out of jail, and has nothing to offer a woman at all besides some dick, and who knows, he might not even be good at that.  FYI, you can’t like rap but then talk smack about poetry; what do you think rap is?

You can’t continually garb yourself in the mannerisms and uniforms of those that are not readily accepted and respected in mainstream society and then get upset when ladies clutch their bags, cops want to stop you, and people don’t want to wait on you.  Hell, if you tend to look like the common criminal and show ignorant behavior, then that’s how the world will treat you.  Personally, I don’t want to be in the midst of folks that throw the n-word around in public like they have a damn megaphone to their lips.

Oxymoron moment:  seeing DMX on a commercial talking about internet piracy of music is theft.  Isn’t this the same man whose raps talk about robbing people?  C’mon dog!

This world already has so many biases against us as we come into it, what would be the purpose of making it easier for people to see no reason to look at you any differently?

Either as a woman or a man your greatest asset is your mind and if you don’t have a brain and can actively use it in a constructive manner, you are a liability.  There are the women who will form a relationship with an ex-con – never underestimate the generosity of a woman – but instead of moving forward of his past transgressions, he will go back and return to the world in which he has no positive future and for which he was incarcerated in the first place.  Remember that reality show that was going to be on the OWN network featuring Shawty-Lo?  You have to seriously look at the stupidity of each woman that came along and let him spawn another child.  And you have to look at him for the idiot that he is; at some point, you have to look at where your life is, and realize that you need to make some changes and at least try to take care of what you have wrought, instead of just doing more crap that you will never be able to address.  And there are men who will form a relationship with a woman who has multiple children from multiple men, and never really think about what that all entails or have the temerity to make a stand and be the man for her, regardless of disagreements and what over low points transpire.

You can’t continually do certain things and then want to talk out the side of your neck.  An example of this can easily be seen in the media via radio and television.  From morning to midnight, the airwaves are filled with music that is too adult for anyone under twenty-one years of age, and in reality a little too-damned graphic, period.  The music talks about anything and everything from sex, certain sex acts, violence, drug use, drug dealing, robbery, rape and a host of other crimes.  There are boasts of everything that the entertainer doesn’t have.  There are the disrespects against other people in general and certain folks in particular.  And it easily permeates the minds of the weak.  But at the same time, the same disc jockeys who hype these songs and the artists occasionally want to get on a soapbox and talk about non-violence and crimes against women.  Hell, your daily job constitutes a crime against the community!  And then on Sunday they’re back in church and talking about their faiths. 


Sometimes our oxymorons turn people on, and sometimes they turn people away.  It’s not always easy to tell, especially if we are in the midst of other people who do exactly the same thing.  Just something to think about.

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